The Truth Shall Set You Free

So it took me about a year to recover from the loss of the rocket scientist. I just couldn't understand why he never fell in love with me, but with love I've learned that sometimes there are no answers and sometimes there are answers you wish you had never gotten. For example, I found out about a year after we broke up that the rocket scientist had gotten engaged. Greaaaaat...I was just starting to feel better and hearing that news was like a stab in the gut. I'm not sure how much time passed after surviving that nuclear bomb, but I think it was about 2 years. Most of that time, I was relatively happy even though I wasn't in a relationship. I liked being alone and I felt very comfortable just doing my own thing. Then one day a man walked into my life that I just couldn't resist. He was much older than me, 13 years older to be exact. My mom was aghast when she found out. She thought he was way too old for me. He had a full beard, wasn't particularly physically attractive, had a deep booming voice and was so incredibly smart that I was smitten. We didn't date right away. We just talked when we could and then after about a year, he asked me if I'd like to go out for a drink. All I could think was, FINALLY! I could not understand why he was so hesitant to ask me out for so long. What was the deal? I mean I knew he was attracted to me, but why was he so hesitant? I would find that answer out eventually (proof that sometimes there are answers, specifically one I could have lived a lifetime not knowing about), but you'll learn about that later.

So the older guy asked me out. He lived out of town, out of state to be exact, so when he came into town, I met him at his hotel before we left for dinner (yes I was a good girl, so there's no need for you to raise your eyebrow anymore). When I arrived, he had wine chilling and real wine glasses that he had gone out and bought just for this occasion.  The wine even had my name on it. Wow, this guy had put some thought into everything. So we left for dinner and it was nice, REALLY nice. I enjoyed every second of it. He was used to speaking in front of people, so conversation with him was easy and enjoyable. In fact, being with him was the weirdest experience I'd ever had. It was like no one else in the world existed except the 2 of us. I couldn't tell you what anyone else was doing in the restaurant, heck I don't think I could tell you my own name. But what I could tell you is that this guy had thrown out a line and I took the bait hook, line and sinker.

Shortly after our first date, I emailed him. He wrote me back and said that though he liked me, he had been dating someone else for quite some time who did not live near him, but he hoped that they could be together one day. Are you kidding me? If you didn't want to get to know me to begin with, why did you even ask me out if you had some other girl waiting in the wings for you? For the thrill, because you could...what a J-E-R-K.

A few months pass by and I woke up one morning to a phone call from my ex husband's mother. She said she had bad news, that my ex had died in a car accident the night before. It took me so long to respond to her, that she later told me she thought I had passed out. My whole world fell apart. My thoughts were all jumbled. This just wasn't happening to me. It wasn't my life. This kinda thing happens to other people. How do I tell my children? Do I have the strength for that?

Let me tell you, having to tell my children was the single hardest thing I've ever done. Watching my children cry. Hearing my youngest cry out, daddy is dead? Sitting next to my oldest as she cried and told me that she wanted her daddy back and knowing there was not a single thing I could do to fix any of it was horrible. Wondering if I would have just stayed married to him, would he be alive today? Would the children have had a father in their life rather than to have to suffer this loss? I couldn't stop thinking all these thoughts and reliving the scenes, at least what I could remember of it all.  Watching them grieve the loss of their dad, dealing my grief (because my ex and I had, after 8 years of divorce, become really good friends) was unbearable. The only bright spot was that I was so proud that my ex and I had become friends. We could have taken another path, but we chose to work on our relationship for each other and for the sake of the children. In fact, in one of the last conversations with him, he told me about his current set of problems and I gave him advice and encouragement. He told me he appreciated my understanding of his problems and that I had been a friend when he needed one. It's the last memory I have of him because he passed away just a few short weeks later.  It was all too overwhelming.

So I broke down and told the older guy what had happened (we had remained friends). Well he dropped all of his concerns about dating me and told me he wanted to come to see me. I told him that I needed to get the kids more settled. I didn't want to leave them at all. They lost 1 parent and I didn't want them to feel worried about losing another, so I stuck by their side like glue. The older guy eventually came to see me and, after that, decided that he wanted to date me. Did I ask about the other woman? Nope. I'm not sure why. I just don't think I was in my right mind at the time. He was a distraction from my real world and let me tell you being in reality was miserable, sad, stressful and left me feeling like I wanted to run out the door and leave everything and start over. And if I didn't have the kids, I would have left everything behind.

So time rolled on and I started feeling better after about 2 years and I continued to date the older guy. In all that time the older guy never spent a single holiday with me. He didn't make a single phone call to me unless he was in town, he didn't buy a single gift, except a set of tea cups he bought me from Japan that reminded him of the first time we ate sushi together, he never sent a card or wanted to meet my children. I could tell that he cared about me. He started wanting to spend more and more time with me. Every chance he had to come and see me he did. He lived out of state, so I never went to his house. I know, I know, you're starting to see the hand writing on the wall...

Well as fate would have it, I met another guy, a very young guy, who pursued going out with me like I was the last woman on Earth. I was in total shock, but very flattered. He was 11 years my junior. He was 23 and I was 34. I tried to point out the obvious age difference, but he was just hell bent on going out with me. He pursued me for weeks. He was still in college, but man was he hot on my trail. He asked me to accompany him to a work function and I told him I didn't think that was a good idea since we had never gone out before. I explained that if everyone saw us together, then it would be like being celebrities...everyone is in your business and we hadn't even had a chance to get to know each other.  I felt like I was talking to some young kid...maybe that's because I was (lol). So we went to the event separately. He was so cute. He was trying, but it was obvious that he didn't even own an iron, but he showed up, wrinkled and all. Afterwards, I hung out for a while hoping that would give him enough time to leave. Well I walked outside and there he was...patiently waiting for me...well what do I do now? So we talked for like 3 hours. I finally gave in one day and told him he could come over. WOW let me tell you it was like spontaneous combustion!! I was blown away!

So one day the older guy calls because he was in town. I had been having such fun with the young stud I had almost forgotten about him. I decided I didn't want to see him anymore. I liked my young stud, so I just told the older guy that I was not available to go out. He sounded a bit shocked, but he said OK. He did not pursue me after that. About a year after I kicked the older guy to the curb, someone walked into my office who knew the older guy and asked if I knew he was married. I heard the words, but they translated in my head one letter at a time...M.....A....R....R....I...E...D. I knew there was someone else, but M...A...R...R...I...E...D? I sat in my chair frozen. I didn't move. I could hardly breathe. I managed to get out a faint, no. After the shock of that set in, a few days later, I told that woman how bad I felt. I was the "other woman", the "mistress". She was an older woman, but after what she said, I thought she was the coolest woman on the face of the planet. She asked, well if you had known that would you have gone out with him? I said, no. She asked, did you have a good time? I said, yes. She said, OK then. Stuff happens sometimes and you can only make decisions based on what people tell you and if they're not honest, that's on them. OK, she's lived a few more years than I have and that sounds like experience talking. She talked to me with this look in her eye like yep, it happens.

So what are the next lessons I learned? Well, if a guy takes a long time to ask you out, there may be a reason why and it's your job to figure out that reason ASAP. It may not be because he's married, but maybe he has some other issues that you don't need in your life. The next lesson is that if you don't meet a guy's family and friends, if you don't spend any holidays together, if it seems like you are on the fringe of your own relationship, then there is a reason and that reason is likely 100% that there is another woman in the picture. So do yourself and the other woman a big favor and run away like the guy has Ebola and don't look back.

I was lucky that I gave in to the younger guy. He allowed me to leave the older guy behind to sit with his lies. I still had business dealings with the man, and until I found out his little secret, I was always nervous talking to him. But after finding my answer, that he was married, I realized that the truth really does set you free and future dealings with him were much different. I was stronger because I saw him for the jerk he really was. Everything came back to bite him in the butt. I'd have my revenge, but that's another story for another time. Until then, I had the young stud to keep me busy....

Is the Grass Always Greener on the Other Side?

So why did I start this blog? Hmmm....because there are so many websites out there about men and relationships. Some of them have really great information and some are well, just downright crap. So I think I know enough from my own research and personal experience to stop reading other people's opinions, theories and strategies and start putting my own ideas out there. You may not agree with everything I have to say or all my ideas, but I hope that everything I've been through has resulted in me acquiring some shred of knowledge I can share with you to help you make better decisions in your dating life or in your current relationship. Heck, maybe we can figure things out together. I've been single for 16 years, so I'm hoping you can at least avoid being someone who gets to say THAT to people (makes me cringe to even think about it).  Or at least maybe I can give you a place to vent about your own dating woes. I'd say that's a win-win for everybody.

So why do I think I might be an expert on men and relationships? Well, obviously I've been single for just a wee bit. In those 16 years I've dated some fabulous men, none of which wanted to stay in my life permanently for one reason or another and none that wanted to stay in my life for very long. 

So I'm going to start at the beginning of my divorce sentence (looks like it's going to at least be 16 years to life) so that everyone can understand how the heck I got here.  And hey, if you want to weigh in on why my love life has turned out the way it has or if you have stories of your own to share, well by golly please do post them!

OK, so 16 years ago, well actually a few months before I got divorced, a friend introduced me to my first potential post-divorce suitor. I went out with the man, a very handsome paramedic, and after the date I decided I'd like to continue to get to know him. My husband did not want for us to divorce, but now that I had met a new man, well it didn't seem like I needed to keep my soon to be ex on the line with this exciting new man waiting in the wings. It was so exciting to think about someone else! After my date with the paramedic (McDreamy, wait maybe McSteamy), I waited with anticipation, on the edge of my seat, for the next call.  But the strangest thing happened. I found myself waiting for a very uncomfortable length of time. That euphoric feeling was replaced with some slight anxiety. I couldn't figure out what was going on and why I hadn't heard from my McSteamy. Did I have bad breath? Did I look fat in my outfit? What was it??? Well my friend told me that McSteamy had been dating another girl when he went out with me.  That girl found out about me and put her foot down with him and he chose to be with her. My friend was going to tell me earlier, but he SWORE that it was his responsibility and he was going to step up to the plate and take care of it. Well guess he got lost on the way to the baseball field because he never made that call.

So I thought well, the chances of me finding my knight in shining armor the first time out of the gate was probably slim to none, but he was out there and I was going to find him (or as a last resort, club him over the head and drag him into the house and keep him locked in a closet)!

So as luck would have it, I had another friend introduce me to another man. He was getting his PhD in Nuclear Engineering. Let me just say I love a man with brains! There is nothing worse than leaning over to whisper your lover's name in his ear and you hear an echo. So I met the rocket scientist for lunch. I wasn't impressed by his looks and thought that this was a non starter. But the next day I walk into my office and there was a dozen red roses sitting on my desk from the rocket scientist himself. I thought I might need to reconsider my decision. So I started dating him. Everything felt really great until about 3 or 4 months into the relationship when he got a job in another city. After he moved he called me one day and told me that he didn't like dating someone who lived so far away, that it wasn't like when we were in the same town. I was devastated. He had hung out with and played with my kids and been supportive of me in so many ways, but now he wanted to exit from my life because it was not convenient for him? So I asked if we could stay friends, which we did. I was super fun in all my correspondence with him, which made him call me one night out of the blue. I was on cloud nine! We started dating again and at the one year mark I told him I loved him. He said he didn't feel the same but that he thought I might be the one and that he hoped that made me happy. I was disappointed, but a bit naive in those early days and had hope that he'd have some epiphany. BIG mistake and BIG red flag! Other big red flags started to appear. For example, every Valentine's Day he would send peach roses instead of red because he said red meant love. God forbid he wouldn't want me to think that he loved me! The second set of peach Valentine's Day roses that waltzed through my door made me want to puke all over the delivery guy. I signed for them and put them in the corner of my office so I couldn't see them. And there was the nagging feeling that, errr...he still had not used those 3 important words. All told we dated for a little over 2 years and then he broke up with me because he said he needed to make decisions and couldn't make those. So I left his house and drove the long, over one hour drive home crying all the way. I never heard I love you from his mouth and had the painful task of telling my oldest daughter, who was very close to him, that he was not coming back. She called me a liar and I felt horrible guilt for not protecting my babys in such an uncertain situation.

Dating Lesson #1 was that I learned I needed to protect my children better in the future. So there I was, divorced and thinking that finding my soul mate would be not only easy, but quick. As my ex husband came to pick up the kids from my house one day and I watched them drive away I thought, the grass is not always greener on the other side...

So that's Aggiegirly's theory of the day. Appreciate what you have and work at it. You can always let go of someone, but is it really worth it? Are you looking for the unicorn rather than working within your current relationship? Is the grass really always greener on the other side?